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To enjoy this post, make sure you are playing Lion King’s Be Prepared. When it gets to this part, sing along loudly;

Be prepaaaarrrrrreeeed

yeah, we’ll be prepared. For What?

for the death of the kind

Why, is he sick?

No fool, we’re gonna kill him. Simba too.

Great idea. who needs a king

No king, no king, lalalalalala

idots, there will be a king!

Hey, but you said eh…

I will be king! Stick with me and you’ll never go hungry again.

yayyyyy, long live the king

So, the elections are finally here. If you are like me, after everything, you must be suffering what my friends in the media call ‘election fatigue’. In case you missed it all, let me give you a brief rundown of what’s happened so far.

There was a country.

nigeria-map

After many hit-and-misses, a democracy was birthed.

We have had a number of democratically elected presidents, among them a dictator lookalike whom some say slept with his son’s wife; a dead on arrival who barely left a blip on our radar; a shoeless one who then, by general consensus went from being terribly popular to horribly unpopular, managing to lose all the unmerited goodwill in such a short span of time our heads are still whirling and giving credence to the popular adage ‘easy come, easy go.’

We have also had a parade of first ladies – from the stout, fashion conscious, skin bleached one who, if rumour is to be believed, died having her tummy tucked just before her 60th; to the svelte cunning schemer who it is said used her office to marry her daughters off to powerful men so quickly they may yet divorce at leisure, having married in such haste, almost as though she sensed how brief her stint in to the corridors of power would be; to the one who by her very girth, lack of education and social graces, her social inadequacies, her malapropisms and litany of faux pas  has provided us with no shortage of embarrassment and entertainment for nearly six years.

We have witnessed a spirited aspiration to the number one office in the country; we have witnessed a foisting off of a half-dead man on our collective sensibilities; we have witnessed a miraculous ascension of an unprepared character, much to the glory of god, the hope of the common man and the mortification of all thinking people who understand the rigour required to prepare one for such a position as president of the largest black nation, not something that falls into your lap.

And in the last few years, we have seen even more action. While we have hit the street to protest subsidy removal and government wastefulness, we have also been told that they do not give a damn, that America will know, that stealing is not the same as corruption and that the mess of many years may very well take as many years to clean up. We have also been told to be grateful for such wonderful innovations like the reawakening of the railway system, thirty-five percent representation of women in top positions and the education of the Almajiris. We are grateful.

And in the final wave, just when we thought we had seen it all, we have come to understand that bombs going off every other day is a normal part of life; girls, boys and women taken hostage is something to aspire to … vote for me if you want more of the same.

But there arose a complication in the person of a strong opposition. They didn’t see that coming. So what can only be described as desperate miracles started to occur. Suddenly, we started to win the war on terror, recapturing towns; suddenly a person who has contested before and made it up to the polls was deemed unqualified, suddenly, the government offered to reduce their salary, suddenly the opposition flagbearer was a paedophile, a dictator, a Muslim extremist; suddenly we needed six more weeks.

And today, we are told that in twenty-four hours, the Chibok girls who have been missing for close to a year will be given back to us. Wow. As D’banj would say, ‘suddenly suddenly.’

But we are taught that in writing a screenplay, if something happens SUDDENLY, there is a problem with your story. There has to be cause and effect, not all these desperate last minute manoeuvres.

The fallout from all this is that with all the accusations and counter-accusations, everyone thinks they are in the right, the ruling party and the opposition, with their supporters alike. This therefore means that everyone believes their candidate WILL win. And that if their candidate doesn’t win, there has been some mischief. Ergo, violence.

I have some advice for you.

  1. Prepare to protect yourself and your family. I would say move to wherever you deem safe but if you haven’t already done that, it is too late. So make your home secure, fortify it, check your burglary proof.
  2. Stock up on supplies – water, food, fuel etc. it may be a long wait.
  3. Repent and prepare to meet your maker – just in case war breaks out.
  4. Hope for the best. I am.

And may the best man win.

First published here

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