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Dear Friends of Fifty Shades of me,

I know it’s two (?) weeks into the new year. But I believe we can continue to say Happy New Year for all of the first month, and I think it can extend to however far into the year our paths first collide. So, happy new year.

Let me apologize. It was been a terrible few months. First, I was very ill. Then just as I returned to pick up my life from where I left it, I lost my closest friend. I cannot begin to describe the feeling. Near catatonic. When I say I wanted to die, I almost died, I wished to die, take it literally. When I say this is someone I would have died for – that is of course discounting the pain I would cause my family and the people who care for me, I mean, taking no other factors into consideration except my desire, willingness to die for another – again, take it literally.

I have fallen through the cracks. I have flirted with depression. My innate strength, the one I thought I had and the one everybody told me I had has been tried and tested beyond all reason. My family say I have been strong. I wouldn’t know. I will take their word for it.

Yes, I have wanted to curl up and just…cease to exist.

But, I’m still here. Picking up the pieces. Sometimes running away. Pacing myself. Finding solace where I can. I have not wanted to write. Or do anything for that matter. I have not wanted to talk. Or laugh. But I continued to do what I had to do. You see, bills do not know grief. Or lack of desire. They keep coming like clockwork. But I avoided anything I didn’t have to do.

I am not out of the woods. I know I am forever altered. I know I will be okay. But I know I am forever…something’s broken.

Stay with me.

I just wanted to say, this blog is still here, I am still here.

I also may never be able to write about the friend I lost. If I find one day that I can, I will. But not just yet.

I came here today just to say what I’ve said. And to wish you a beautiful year ahead. If wishes count for something.

Thank you.

Much love.

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