Dear Friends of Fifty Shades of me,
I know it’s two (?) weeks into the new year. But I believe we can continue to say Happy New Year for all of the first month, and I think it can extend to however far into the year our paths first collide. So, happy new year.
Let me apologize. It was been a terrible few months. First, I was very ill. Then just as I returned to pick up my life from where I left it, I lost my closest friend. I cannot begin to describe the feeling. Near catatonic. When I say I wanted to die, I almost died, I wished to die, take it literally. When I say this is someone I would have died for – that is of course discounting the pain I would cause my family and the people who care for me, I mean, taking no other factors into consideration except my desire, willingness to die for another – again, take it literally.
I have fallen through the cracks. I have flirted with depression. My innate strength, the one I thought I had and the one everybody told me I had has been tried and tested beyond all reason. My family say I have been strong. I wouldn’t know. I will take their word for it.
Yes, I have wanted to curl up and just…cease to exist.
But, I’m still here. Picking up the pieces. Sometimes running away. Pacing myself. Finding solace where I can. I have not wanted to write. Or do anything for that matter. I have not wanted to talk. Or laugh. But I continued to do what I had to do. You see, bills do not know grief. Or lack of desire. They keep coming like clockwork. But I avoided anything I didn’t have to do.
I am not out of the woods. I know I am forever altered. I know I will be okay. But I know I am forever…something’s broken.
Stay with me.
I just wanted to say, this blog is still here, I am still here.
I also may never be able to write about the friend I lost. If I find one day that I can, I will. But not just yet.
I came here today just to say what I’ve said. And to wish you a beautiful year ahead. If wishes count for something.
Thank you.
Much love.
Happy New Year to you too. Welcome back to Nigeria
Thank you dear.
Nj I know how u feel and it does get better believe me. U never stop crying but u get stronger. I haven’t called bc I didn’t even know what to say. I hope this year brings u beautiful things ahead. Do stay strong, u are strong.
Dj, I pray o. Thanks. Thanks. It’s okay. Thanks. I still owe you that visit…
Happy new year.
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but there isn’t.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Hang in there, take it one day at a time.
The grief comes in waves, some days will be better than the other.
Hold on to any form of comfort that you can, relish the support of family and friends.
it gets better with time, you will finally get to a point where you can deal with the pain and loss.
Till then, just try and survive, from one day to the next.
I know. I appreciate every word and gesture of comfort, so thank you for yours. Happy new year again.
May you be granted inner strength to deal with your loss.
I now believe the saying – time heals but every issue will run it’s course and it is okay to grief and be sad but not to overdo it because life will continue and when we are alive, we owe it to ourselves to live it to the fullest (whatever that means for individual).
I have enjoyed reading your post and hope you are back soon.
V. best wishes
Thank you Folake. And i visited and followed your blog yesterday. And had many smiles. keep going. Good work.
Thank you. Glad I made you smile, very important not to lose our smile, keeps us going.
My sympathy to you, Pearl.
Thanks a lot Catherine.
Reality as I’ve come to realize is dark & unforgiving. You will be ok, Pearl. And I would love to tell you that you’ll one day get out of the woods but we both know how untrue that is. Pain like this, the kind that makes you want to curl up into a ball and mentally scream in pain because it feels like you are drowning, it never goes away. It doesn’t matter what cause the pain but once you go never leaves you. It’s not always going to be there but it is. And somedays will be better than most while somedays will feel like the end for you. The pain never goes away, you just learn to live around. 10years later & I’m still feeling mine. You just have to try to be strong (it’ll be futile) when the bad days come, when you cry yourself to sleep some nights.
My advice: Nothing. Sorry but that’s the truth. I’m still looking for ways to deal with mine and I’ve found it yet. Just liven if not for you then do it for the friend.
P.S: you won’t be able to write about the friend, you never will be.
Just Live
Thank you Nosa. Yesterday was another bad day. Yes, some days are horrendous, sometimes there are triggers. I understand. And appreciate your honesty. You too will be fine my friend.
Sorry for you loss. May your 2015 be much happier with joy & Love….