I don’t have anal sex.
I mean, I don’t have any issues with it, I even hear it is the shit! – no pun intended. Okay, maybe a little. I have just been discharged from hospital – 10 days, for haemorrhoids, and as the surgeon so tactfully put it in the theatre ‘Your yansh is in shreds, fissures, haemorrhaging, think of torn pieces of paper’(I did a spinal and was wide awake, even though I had lost my initial ‘can I look?’ nerve and welcomed the screen). So we was havin’ the conversation about my asshole and the best way forward – what’s with the puns todays).
No, the surgeon wasn’t asking me if I have anal sex on the regular. You are! Cuz the moment I said haemorrhoids, or more commonly piles, then added to the extensive tissue damage, the first thing anybody hears is this one is getting it up the butt. And that is why in Naija, we would die first than admit we have anal sex. Because God forbid as a woman you are having fun in the bedroom, and as a man, you are maybe gay???
I wish I could have anal sex. The mostest I have ventured is maybe 0.2 inches – that won’t make a dent on the surface of water for those of you bad at math.
I want to leave this anal sex and face my subject for the day, but I feel a strong pull in my spirit to go on about it and my muse, well, she is always right. So anyway, me and The Boyfriend are talking about anal sex.
ME: absolutely not! Uhm, ehn, babes, I don’t think I can
ME: I just, you know…
BOYRIEND: I just want it on the table. I am uncomfortable with anything being off the table, being taboo.
So, when I see the first set of doctors and surgeon in Benin who were about to tear me open and take out my piles, I went into an extensive discussion about future possibilities regarding anal sex, I even got a little emotional, ‘I want to be able to give him everything, you know, he is the best guy in the world and I adore him…’ the doctor looked on. Later, I report to my boyfriend, thinking he would be pleased with my proactiveness. What does he say?
BOYRIEND: Babes, in the face of your pain and all you were going through, I would only think that that would be the least of your problems?
DO YOU, OR DO YOU NOT WANT TO F%$K ME THROUGH THE ASS? You do? Let me handle the niceties!!! Men. He saw it as a failure in prioritizing; I saw it as ‘killing’ two birds with one doctor.’ Perspective is important.
Perspective is important because I need to remind us that this article is as much about the health system in Nigeria, as it is my torn asshole. They just met halfway.