I love Chris Oyakhilome. He has preached many life-changing messages and saved millions of lives and homes over the years. He is a genius. Clap for him. Between him and God, they have built a dynasty competing with the Holy See and so on and so on. When you throw in his fried hair, fake British or something accent he acquired before he ever stepped off the shores of Nigeria, yallow wife to complete the package – some wicked people even say he bleached his skin small – what’s there not to love? Cue in, Everybody loves Chris.

This morning, I stumble across this beautiful video. Here is my favorite line, “Some of you think the husband is the male partner in the marriage.” Subdued, uncertain laughter from congregants. Is he not? “No,” yells Chris, thumping on his bible and lifting his eyes reverentially upwards, “husband means MASTER.” Yaaaay. Crowd goes wild, some women even lift their skirts and masturbate to show how excited they are about this announcement that they are slaves (abi English has failed me and I don’t know what master means). Imagine all the already married women who just realized their new state of slavery. Shite. Things have gotta change around this house saith the Lord God of Hosts.

Like I said, I really love Chris. Fine boy although he does have that fat face. But he keeps fit.

 I used to be a cell leader in Chris embassy – the inner sanctum. No o, no dirty secrets to share. I would sit and stare at him then as he came in, borne on the wings of the Holy Spirit – or was it the adoring crowd, I am not sure. But I loved the power of the anointing. I just didn’t trust the anointing and no, I didn’t even know the meaning of ATHEIST then. Wait, I was part of the anointing that bore him up.

So I would watch Chris. One day, I was lucky enough to sit near the front and breathe the same air as Chris *swoons*. But my eyes fastened on his long, tapered manicured nails and I didn’t hear anything else he said. I remember a sermon he preached about how when he was young in the ministry, God told him that the chain he was wearing was distracting. So he never wore it again. I wished God would stop being so fickle, ehn? And stop worrying about things like chains and if he was being fickle, how come he hasn’t said anything about the nails? Can he not see that it’s bothering me? Am I not important? So anyway, he stopped wearing the chain. And see how Chris(t) Embassy has grown Praaaaaise the Lord.

Like I have said, I love Chris. I love him the way you love a cute, rare and extremely beautiful breed of snake. Lovely, brilliant, but it should be kept in a cage and admired, else it would strike and hurt. Don’t ever lose sight of that. It’s what it does. I used to look at the man and think, “talk to me. you are a fraud, right? I mean, you can tell me.” Then I would look at his adoring Ministers and wonder who else is high up enough to be part of the scam. Then I would look at my fellow cell leaders and sigh. Poor, ignorant fools. Me, I knew what I was doing. Church is a social hole (and if you deny this, please sit at home and read your bible), and the crowd doesn’t come more elite than the Christ Embassy crowd. We roll. I mean, I loved small churches, but I got used to big ones and which other church has that crane they hook their camera on? Come on.

It is the poor people starving in church I pity, cuz they are trying to konghode afara (I’m sorry, that’s Efik for rub shoulders) with the rest, everyday hoping for a miracle that will never come and in the meantime, feeding all they do have into the pipe that leads into that pipedream.

If I had anything to say about this matter, I would tell God to say something about all this money Pastor Chris and his goons are raking in by the billions. But God is notoriously silent where it matters, or rather, these god of men have put a stopper in God’s mouth and placed a gag order whenever he tries to say something they don’t want to hear. Have you not seen it? When that sweet sister with the deformed hand was revealed to Pastor, the Holy Spirit said NO and threw a tantrum! Then when that mulatto sister showed up in the choir with the full breasts, the Holy Ghost kinda drooled a little and like Michael Jackson when he saw small boys pointed limply, I WANT HIM, the Holy Spirit always wants the best for his men. Here and again in Heaven. Beats blowing yourself up and getting 72 virgins later right? This is eating your cake and having it. I prefer the Christian God. Then the pastor’s machinery kicks into place and somewhere in-between all the rivalry among the women, the guidance of the Holy Spirit and other dirty things, the god of man gets the girl. Praaaaaaise tha Lord.

Two years ago or so, the Lord wanted Christ Embassy to do a mission to Brazil, (every year they choose a country to dash things to, top on the list is that Rhapsody of Unrealities and guess where the money goes back? You said it), and they do this every year believe me, until the gospel of Pastor Chris gets to the whole world. So people had to (individuals) sow as much as several millions each, because they imagine God gave them the money through their man of God. When you convince people that they got their wealth through something you did for them and as such they owe you (or God, same thing) tell me what you are if it isn’t a fraud.

Such is Chris’ power. I remember during the occupy Nigeria protest. The church was asked not to ‘interfere’ so Christ Embassy members didn’t go. I went from the converge grounds with my Tshirt, straight to evening church and looked everybody in the eye, the limp motherfuckers, and dared them to say a word. So yes, I was a church girl, but if you think I was ever one of those yes-women, think again.

But see the power that motherfucker has. He can actually change the course of this Nation. Do you know how many Christ Embassy members there are in Nigeria? Imagine that they all take their Pastor’s side in matters. Do you not think this man cannot try to tell you who to vote for come 2015? And GEJ is going and kneeling to Adeboye (I’m coming for this one soon if he won’t stop blocking Lagos roads), he should be on his knees to Chris!

So if you guys let your men of God get away with bullshit, deluding yourselves, when you have given him the power to affect the rest  of us, the course of our history as a nation, and you sit there and tell me it is none of my business, I do not know what to do with you if you cannot see this. Motherfucker speaks real slow and passionate and clean and he fucks you up!


Chris Oyakhilome, stay in your church, and stop prescribing. Or you can prescribe, but don’t pick and choose. DON’T TURN THE HOUSE OF GOD INTO A BUYING AND SELLING PLACE AND THEN WHEN IT SUITS YOU, YOU RUN AND HIDE UNDER ARCHAIC QUOTES LIKE THE MAN IS THE MASTER. . You cannot allow your sisters come to church naked and then you quote at me from the bible, i will bitch-slap you until you can’t stand. But I forgive you. Do you know how many people you liberated when you said masturbation is cool? My god, you saved lives. You are the man, for real I loved you then all over again. But then you do this.

Oh Christ, this is not an exposé! How boring. How dramatic. Like I said, I saw that video, it set me off. And since I am a writer, I wrote this. End of. And, I know the people who will oppose this article;

  1. Christ Embassy people; Naturally. I hear you, *Leonides’ voice* an army of slaves!
  2. Other religious people; maybe not so naturally but hey, I hear you too.
  3. Non-religious people who say live and let live; you are selfish as hell so uhm, i hear you as well.

So generally speaking, it is my blog, I don’t really want any opposition for this post and if you do oppose, uhm fuck you.



Lagos-20121219-02142 Let’s do something new. Please begin your comment… “my name is … and i do not endorse this post, or I do, or i do 20% etc.” Thanks.